The whole movie is funny, skip to about the 20second mark. <iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/RYvplvdHmlw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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man in court accused of strangling his girlfriend refused to admit it. He said his cock had done it while he was asleep !!
May be an old one that's been told, but I always get a laugh... One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores." A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig. When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!" Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
There was this unemployed guy trying to make a buck. He finally hit on a bright idea and called himself " The Directional Man ". Now that's a big name for a little guy but he was offering a service. He would go up to sorta muslim looking guys in the street and say " Do you know which way from here is Mecca ?" They would say no, so he pulls out his compass and there is the star in the East. When business flagged he would say " Do you really know which way is Washinton ? " Now mostly they would say "why should I care ?". To which he would reply if you did you would face the other way when you farts "
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... 'Could you give me some tips?' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' 'Sure will' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that love song to his Mama, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass--won't hurt as bad!
One day two brothers woke up. The older says to the younger "Man, it's time we started swearing." So they took an oath to swear down at breakfast. They descend the staircase and take their seats at the breakfast table. Mom approaches and says to the first kid "What would you like for breakfast?" "How about some fuckin' Cheerios?" With that remark, his mother smacked him so hard he flew off the chair. She turned to the younger son. "And what would you like for breakfast?" "Uhm. . . not sure. . . but you can bet your ass I don't want any Cheerios!"