My demented grandma found a dead bee in her dinner. Its then I had to remind her none of the alphabet soup was alive.
Reading behind the obituary lines... Died Suddenly = heart attack Died peacefully in her sleep = on morphine Cremation = we are too tight to buy a headstone Died surrounded by family = contents of the Will unclear No flowers please, donations to the dogs home = the tight bitch has left us nothing.
My girlfriend got "property of Nutmeg" tattooed on her back. Which makes me the 4th largest property owner in New York .
Number of athletes who thank God after a victory. --All Number of athletes who thank natural selection after a victory.--None Consensus
This black dude kept whining about not getting a job and he thought it was because he's black. Couldn't take listening to it anymore so I told him to lighten up.
Hey..this is funny..... While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France, at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast.
I was playing the best round of golf of my life at St Andrews, when I sliced my shot. It went straight through a stained glass window, and we had to run like fuck when the minister came out.
The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Rather poor reception and the sound is slightly garbled, but everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?