Jokes 2

When my wife left me, I couldn't see the point in living anymore.

That was 35 minutes ago, and I'm fucking loving it now.
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When one door closes, another door opens...

And that's why I'm no longer employed as a carpenter.

 

Can't wait until Friday night, my wife's cooking Lasagne.
And I will be 500 miles away on a business trip thank fuck.

 

"I think it's about time we try for a baby" said my wife.

"Does that mean we're about to have sex?" I asked excitedly.

"Oh fuck," she said," Never mind."

 

My obese wife is sleeping naked on her waterbed tonight as she's too hot.

I'm having a great time putting water in her belly button, pushing her stomach and shouting "There she blows"

 

I've just got a new job as a Barbarian.

It's just like being a librarian, but I also cut hair.

 

I sent Obama an e mail: "My dad says you're spying on us all."

Obama replied, "He's not your dad."

 

She has to be the world's worst locksmith.

 

My elderly neighbour locked herself out of her house and she asked for help.
It was cold and getting dark I decided to smash her back door in.
I then called a locksmith to get her into the house.