A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!
re: old age Three old guys are sitting on a park bench, talking about life, and about the struggles of aging. First one says, I’m having a heck of a time taking a crap. I strain, I groan, it hurts. Nothing seems to help. Second guy says, my problem is peeing. Gotta stand there for a few minutes to get it started. It dribbles, it spray, takes forever, and ten minutes later I have to go again. Third guy says, Well, I’m totally regular. Empty my bladder at 7 am, like clockwork. Around eight, every morning, I take a big dump. No problem. I wake up about nine.
A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
In a remote penal colony in Russia, a visiting colonel is checking the records of recently deceased prisoners. 'Reason for death: poisoning', he reads. "What happened?" "He ate mushroom soup," a warder explains, "but the mushrooms turned out to be poisonous." "All right," the colonel says, opening another file. 'Reason for death: poisoning.' "And here?" "He also ate the mushroom soup," the warder says, "and the entire bushel of mushrooms turned out to be poisonous." "Right," the colonel says, looking at the next file. "And this one, also poisoned," he reads. "The same accident with the soup?" The warder nods. The colonel opens another file. "Shot while trying to escape," he reads. "What were the circumstances here?" "Well," the warder says,... "That one didn't like mushrooms."
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that moment, I would have needed to clarify that men ponder deeply on diverse subjects, sparking further inquiries. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."' Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand... He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."