Beer Troubleshooting Tips --------------------------------- SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
Good Question A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day?!"
dgabriel Registered: Dec 2001 Posts: 2816 10-14-02 12:28 AM This thread can be browsed but has been closed to new jokes due to the sheer size of it. Continue the fun in this thread. I do believe I have finally heard those words I've longed for all these years...... "It's just too big."
LOLOLOL...didn't expect that one! fly - you're ok in my book...I don't care what Yannis says about you.
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room. When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me." So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested. The husband says, "I can deal with that." He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway." The husband says, "I have something to confess also." She says, "No matter what I will still love you." He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there." She says, "I can deal with that." So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up. She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?" He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?
In the ole days, my people had several families living in one big house. The matriarch did the cooking and such, the men worked out. Anyway, Maria got married, and the reception was to be held at the house. After the ceremony, everybody retired to the house. The Bride and Groom went upstairs to change, and Mama, she's a cooking the sauce. The Groom had removed his shirt, and the shocked Bride Went rushing downstairs, "Mama, Mama, he's a got such a hairy chest. " "Shuttup, you a stupid girl. Get uppa stairs, and perform your duty." She goes upstairs, like she was told. Her new Husband removed his shoes, and unknowst to the Bride, he had a club foot. Shocked, she runs downstairs. "Mama, Mama. He's a got a foot and a half." "Here, Youa stir a da stupid sauce. I'm a go upstairs."