A blind man is standing on the corner waiting for the street light to change so he can cross the street. He is holding his familiar red and white cane and in the other arm is a bag of groceries that he has just purchased. As he is waiting, a stray dog comes up to him, lifts its leg and pisses all down the blind man's leg, into his pants cuff, and all over his sock and into his shoe. By way of response, the blind man merely removes a cookie from within his bag of groceries, bends over slightly with the cookie in his outstreched hand and says, "Good doggie...good doggie, get the cookie, good doggie, attaboy." A woman who was standing nearby, and who witnessed the entire incident says to the blind man, "I can't beleive you're going to reward that dog after what he just did." "No," replied the blind man, "I'm just trying to find the dog's head, so I can kick him in the ass!"
The Indian chief was sitting at the campfire with his young son. The son asks "Father, How did I get my name?" "Well, son, Indian tradition is: When Chief walk out of teepee after son born, the first thing he sees, that is the name that is chosen for you, why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking."
A Woman's Poem He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him... Like his mother used to do.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage as The Amazing Claude came out. "I'm here to put you into a trance," said the Amazing Claude. "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as The Amazing Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," said The Amazing Claude, and then began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said The Amazing Claude.................... .................. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center. :eek:
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed sitting in the eigh th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the?attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit." "It's The Box Office."
A young farm lad from New Prague goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends him the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?' The father says, "I hope you SHOT that s.o.b. before he talks to your Mother!" I sure did, Dad!" That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a lawyer......
It was a dark and stormy night and someone stole my joke. Well, not actually stole it, it was never mine to begin with. But somehow, somewhere, when you least expect it, the joke I posted is MIA, it is gone from the forum. Deleted. I bow in the presence of righteuosness never to post on the joke forum again. **Poof** This thread can be browsed but has been closed to new jokes due to the sheer size of it. Continue the fun in this thread.