Yukoner’s 2018 Psychological Journal

Discussion in 'Journals' started by Yukoner, Nov 28, 2017.

  1. Yukoner


    coming soon ... after a lengthy absence!

    Since then:

    1) remarried - to an amazing supportive loving woman

    2) Trading account with a much better broker

    3) clear discretionary system with an edge

    4) my hands don’t shake anymore when I trade ;)

    5) I’ve embraced and come to love that I have no idea what is going to happen in the markets

    6) getting better and better every day.

    Still sorting out the details, but plan on starting to post again in the new year. Grateful for all the help I received in the past, and in particular from @Redneck and @Handle123

    Good Trades,

    Onra likes this.
  2. Yukoner


    Thursday June 07 - 2018

    8 pages of legal documents, 4 pages of trading documents, and several pages of tax stuff (I am Canadian), but on Thursday I signed to trade remotely for a prop firm in the States. They will provide the risk capital and assume all losses. I just have to trade.

    This has been a long journey for me. One that if you go back and review some of the other psychological journals I wrote on you will see the fight I had with my perfect match! That part of me that has been raised to be a certain way, to think a certain way, but is not conducive to healthy trading (or living for that matter).

    Even now, when I was reviewing the paperwork and all that legalese, a part of me is like...
    "do you really want to sign this?"
    "what if they just want to front run your orders?"
    "what if something goes wrong and they sue you for everything you have?"
    "you've made it this far, but now you will probably screw up"
    Anyone know what I am talking about?

    But I have learned a few things over the years to deal with this. I stop trying to push it aside, and I listen to it. I consider if I have any real evidence for that. BUT I also try and find an opposing positive thought and consider that reality also. That isn't as easy as it sounds. (Trying to imagine myself trading a 20 lot, let alone a 40 lot successfully in the ES certainly stretches my mind.) o_O

    Another thing, at times I will get a thought in my head that just doesn't belong there. I imagine myself picking that thought up out of my mind and dropping it into a black abyss where it keeps falling... never to return.

    So what changed for me? What got me there? I'll continue that in another post

    Good Trades,

    Last edited: Jun 9, 2018
  3. Yukoner


    So what changed?

    So many things had to change in my life. Sometimes when I look back, I don't recognize that guy from 2014 (let alone 2007)... he feels like a stranger, even though I know that was me.

    1) I wanted certainty so bad! I didn't want to put on a trade unless it was going to be a winner. The idea of putting on a trade knowing it would probably be a loser and cost me money wasn't something I was too comfortable with. Versus today, when I know 56% of my trades will most likely be losing trades and there is only a 50/50 chance this exact trade I am putting on will win. But now that I trust myself, and my process... I know that over enough trades, my account should grow and I should make money.

    2) Another thing, that really helped my thinking... and this one surprised me a lot!! It was nutrition! In August 2016 I started dating a woman who was healthy and smart (and hot! :sneaky:), but she had this different lifestyle.
    She'd give me these shakes to drink in the morning... talk to me about intermittent fasting. Gave me a bottle of adaptagens to drink when I was trading oil after OPEC unpegged. (crazy time, as I held short for over 300 points - hands shaking back then) Told me that some of our food was nutritionally bankrupt, and I wasn't getting enough nutrients... and if I didn't believe her, to go look in the mirror at my face and notice the puffiness and fat (from toxins, etc.)
    Well, no matter how hot she was... I am a trader... and a genX'r... so yea, I am skeptical! It took about 4 months for her to convince me to at least try it for a month.
    In a few weeks my results were amazing... I dropped some weight, but my energy was through the roof! It was like a lightbulb turned on in my head!! and each night I was sleeping really well. After that, I just never stopped... and I could feel my body getting better and better. It was such a difference, that friends who hadn't seen me for months would run into me and almost right away ask me what I was doing.
    Its almost 18 months later and my focus and clarity is amazing, and I am making more money than I ever have in my life.
    (pm me if you need any tips!)
    Oh yea, the girl... of course I asked her to marry me!! :cool:

    3) I started reading a really good book that FuturesTrader71 had recommended. It was called "the Chimp Paradox" by Steve Peters. I would read things like:

    "Remember that the person that you want to be is the person that you really are"
    "Any deviation from this is hijacking by the Chimp"

    "We never control the Chimp; we manage it"
    "So do not use willpower to try and control it. It will defeat you in the long run. Instead manage the Chimp by exercising and boxing it"
    And reading that book it helped me realize that my struggle to achieve high performance was normal. I wasn't weird or flawed. Everyone else had to deal with similar issues! And now Steve Peters was laying out for me a methodology on how to achieve success!

    4) I started embracing mistakes as opportunity! I used to get pissed at myself, or berate myself for making a mistake. But now seeing them I am glad I can recognize them!! Now I know where I need to adjust... where I need to CHANGE! That is very powerful information to have. Then you start working on eliminating them.

    5) the Stats! I used to think I was a solid crude trader. Man, could I trade crude! :D Until one day, when I was feeling a lack of focus as I had a crude short on and was also daytrading the ES... I realized that maybe I wasn't as good at crude as I thought I was. I went back and reviewed my crude stats :wtf::vomit:
    Yep, there it was... why the heck was I even trading crude!! But my ES stats were solid, consistent, really good risk/reward. Losers cut quickly and on average only held for half the time that winners were held.
    So I stopped trading crude and that also has made a difference.

    6) I also make a point of resting my "trading mind". It needs a break, so weekends and evenings I don't do much that is trading related. I let my trading brain recover.

    That isn't everything, but it certainly highlights the top things in the last year or so.
    Looking forward to applying all of this trading at the prop firm.

    Good Trades,
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2018
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  4. Yukoner


    June 12 - 2018

    Live account is up and running. Threw a couple of orders out there just to double check everything is working correctly, but no trades yet. With Rollover in equities and FOMC this week, its really not a great week to be trading.

    Plan is to be extremely picky on my trades, as being a volume profile trader it is best to have all the volume into the contract I am trading.

    I was pretty stoked though to have the account up and running. I think that is a good thing, the excitement, but at the same time I need to stay humble. There was a part of me that just wanted to "put on a trade" so that I could get it started... I listened to that feeling, but took the time to think it through, and there is no reason to trade so therefore I don't trade! The time will come, and when it does I will be ready.

    Good Trades,

    Last edited: Jun 12, 2018
  5. Handle123


    Welcome back Yukoner.

    Always good to be trading any time, but when you say it is not, more to learn why you believe in that way or need more knowledge to add on.

    Keep two journals, one for those times you just feel you should put on and record those in dummy journal, I have 30 years of those recorded, am a horrible of thinking what I should do, LOL
    Yukoner likes this.
  6. Yukoner


    Thanks @Handle123 its good to be back. Hope you are doing well! Good advice as always.

    Today ended with no trades filled. Like I said, planned on being picky. Tomorrow with FOMC should be interesting.

    Good Trades,
  7. Yukoner


    June 16 - 2018

    Started trading live for the prop firm on Wednesday and had a bit of jitters... Thursday too. Decided to take Friday off as it was Quad Witching.
    The jitters were expected, but some of the trades were a bit frustrating.... I'd see my profit target hit, but not filled! Stops hit exact tick before the move to target. I know this will happen, but its not a lot of fun when you are just starting live with the prop firm and have two losing days in a row.

    Had a brief chat with the risk manager and he let me know that I was doing fine. I found that encouraging. I did decide to decrease my daily loss limit by about 40%. It was 100% my decision, and I can increase it back whenever I want. My goal is to still be around a year from now. I am in no rush. I expect that once I get a solid buffer of gains behind me, then it could make sense to start increasing my daily risk.

    On another note, was reading Friday's action very well. So all in all, I am putting Weds and Thurs behind me and starting a fresh week on Monday. Rollover is finished. FOMC is done. Let summer trading begin! :)

    Good Trades,

  8. Yukoner


    June 18, 2018

    Started the day feeling quite refreshed after a relaxing weekend. Put on some good trades with much more profit potential, but stuck with my plan of exiting where I had planned to. That helped keep my mindset healthy, and slowly kept building up the account.

    I did have one trade that I held, and it was a bit nerve wracking. Which surprised me, as when I was exited for a profit, I actually found my hand shaking a bit. So I knew I needed to take a break, which I did. BUT more importantly, I realized that I hadn't come to terms with losing in this account. So I had to take time to think about that a little bit, and be aware that each trade is a 50/50 outcome, and I have no idea which one it will be. Just have to let the probabilities work themselves out.

    All in all though, started to feel in sync. Seeing the market state well. Cutting losses quickly. Trying to stay neutral. Ended the day with a profit almost double my daily loss limit.

    Good Trades,
  9. Yukoner


    June 20 - 2018

    Basically breakeven for the week. I find it interesting now, that I don't consider that a good place to be. I actually would expect to be up for the week. Which really shows me how far I have come, because there was a time that being breakeven I would have celebrated.

    I did make an interesting discovery about myself. I arranged a quick chat with one of head guys at the firm, to discuss some of the things I was feeling challenged about. The conversation went really well, and I got a lot out of it.

    What I found was that there is a part of me that was under the pressure of somehow "letting them down". And I know where that comes from. The old religious upbringing of "being perfect". I got some good notes out of that part of the talk.

    He also gave me some things to work on re. tracking my emotions before, during, and after a trade that should help me improve.

    All in all, learning and getting better every day! Tomorrow will be a better day.

    Good Trades,
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  10. Yukoner


    June 21 - 2018

    I had a real break through today. However, it took a low moment to get there. It was pointed out to me by someone I have HUGE respect for that I was in a state of mental fatigue. Some points were given to help, and so now I am pursuing that and working on meditation.

    But that wasn't really the break through. Something else was unexpectedly said to me, a compliment, and it caught me so off guard that my eyes swelled up in tears.

    Reflecting on that later, I asked myself... where was that coming from? And things started surfacing about not being a failure, and having to be PERFECT... and don't disappoint people... all gremlins from my childhood and teenage upbringing. So I realized, that trading for this prop firm I have placed way too much significance in that, and now have created this huge pressure on myself.

    So now what?? Any advice? Anyone been here before?

    Good Trades,
    #10     Jun 21, 2018
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